the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
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