Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
