She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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