can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
