did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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