im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Randomize
