Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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