Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
