I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Randomize
