i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
