she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
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