so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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