the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
