Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
