Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
