i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
