No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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