You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
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He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
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ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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