Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
