Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
