There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
