it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
