woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
