thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
