i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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