I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
someone threw a dead crab at me
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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