dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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