apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
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