Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
