this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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