here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
