I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
