Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
