thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
The police scanner is talking about you again....
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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