even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
