I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
