Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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