Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Randomize
