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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I'm passing your future prison.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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