cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
