Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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