Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Where did you get a picture of my penis
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
not ubering you a puppy
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
