All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
