if i can run in heels then i can drive
so let's talk penis.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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