Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
