Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Randomize
