New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
