My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
