Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
