Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
