i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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