i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
