I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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