We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
