Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
