if you like me you must not know who I am
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
my being single is dangerous.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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