Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
