i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Randomize
