nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
