rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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