i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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