So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
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Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
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I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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