someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
