on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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