Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
wow bdsm is so cute
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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