how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
